tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 28, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
(cheers and applause) thank you verthank you so much! beautiful! thanks! wow, thank you so much for being here. i'm stephen teach. you've joined us on an historic day. i don't know if you saw the news, but this morning n.a.s.a. announce they did eve found liquid water on the planet mars! (cheers and applause) that is a major scientific discovery with huge implications because if there's water on mars, that means there might be life on mars, which would call into question everything mankind believes about its place in the universe. it's unbelievably exciting. on the other hand, now we have to worry about the rovers getting wet. (laughter) i said this, i knew n.a.s.a. should have sprung for the undercoating.
curiosity cost over $2.5 billion, you can't spend an extra $800 on the rust proofing? come on! although they don't mind dropping coin on custom rims. ridiculous. the water is pure mineral salts, will eat through the chassis. can't fix that. that's why you never buy a car from chicago. resale value is shot. five years from now if you see the rover on craigslist, do not buy it. it will be half bondo. very exciting because if n.a.s.a. can find water on mars, maybe one day they'll find it in california. (cheers and applause) of course, mars isn't the only place history is being made tonight. we have great show right here on planet earth. i will be speaking with first lady michelle obama, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause)
very exciting. i agree! i agree! i agree! (applause) so the first lady is here. either that or security is just doing cavity search mondays. pretty good either way. (laughter) i'll also be joined by grammy and academy award winner john legend! (cheers and applause) for those of you keeping score at home, this is first lady, this is john legend. (laughter) john legend says that america's prison system is broken and i agree. no new orange is the new black until 2016? come on. (laughter) ♪ oh, i don't know what the signal for that is, but i'm not going to lie to you, i love that sound. time to say hi to jon batiste and "stay human," everybody!
(cheers and applause) one last thing -- whole foods is cutting 1500 jobs, saving the company hundreds of thousands of dollars or the cost of about six tomatoes. ♪ (applause) >> stephen: tonight, we welcome first lady of the united states michelle obama, and john legend! featuring jon batiste and "stay human." >> now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause)
>> stephen: hey! thank you, everybody! (audience chanting stephen) (cheers and applause) thank you so much! you are the greatest audience in the world, folks. this is only our 15th show, and i'm proud to say, we've already had quite a few presidential candidates on. but who i'm looking forward to sitting down with is hillary clinton. she is by far the odds on favorite to win the democratic nomination even though her presidential campaign has had more than its share of bumps in the road. from the benghazi controversy to her private email server to the persistent allegation that she's less charismatic than a 70-year-old socialist who doesn't own a phone. (laughter) seriously. just get a brush, bernie.
through all of this, hillary has remain undaunted. but we may have finally found something that may daunt her. according to "the washington post," when clinton ran for president in 2008, she was 5'5" according to a height report from the clinton campaign. but now news sources say hillary clinton is 5'7" tall. that's right. hillary clinton has added two inches, a tactic normally reserved for guise on "grinder." (laughter) (applause) this couldn't be one of those classic cases where a woman hits her 60s and suddenly gets taller. happened to my grandma. by the time we put her in a nursing home, she could dunk! (laughter)
oh, nana. well, this could be a bona fide conspiracy. it may go all the way to the top. a top which is two inches higher than it was before. because the clinton campaign has remained silent on the subject and appears not to have shared her height with any reporters or responded to any queries. oh, sure, they're happy to talk about debt relief or raising minimum wage, but refuse to talk about is hillary clinton tall enough to ride shock wave at six flags! this is serious business! since 1900, the taller guy has won the presidential election 19 times, while the shorter candidate has won just eight times. that's one of the reasons why, in 1988, george h.w. bush so soundly defeated governor of massachusetts frodo.
(applause) this sensation over hillary's elevation might be the thing that finally takes her down, or up. we don't know at this point. it's bigger than all the other scandals. this has serious implications. what else is hillary hiding? she says she opposeds keystone xl, but maybe she's holding out for xxl. i know a lot of women are. a lot of them are. (applause) it's so depressing. let's be honest. we're all adults here -- except for the kids watching -- and we all know how she bull binged up -- she's juicing! it wouldn't be tough for her to hide the signs of steroid use. not like she'll have mood swings, she only has one --
whatever the focus group says it should be. (applause) big fans of focus groups here tonight. (laughter) everyone running for president has to ride theroid. that's how the game's played. on an average campaign, they have to hit two pan came breakfasts, four town hall meetings and a $10,000 a plate dinner. do you think they would have that stamina without something? don't kid yourself. there's a long history of presidential candidates bulking up to get into the oval office. we all know that's how j.f.k. won the debate against richard nixon. (applause) all right, that's why they called him "jack"! (laughter) now, this could be a plus. because if hillary continues to grow, think how big she'll be when she finally reaches the
oval office, we won't have to worry about iran because mega hillary can swat missiles out of the sky! (applause) i can't wait to see how height ghazi plays out. we'll be back with first lady michelle obama. glmpleghts ♪ haven't been this lost in years ♪ (gps) ♪ recalculating shortest route ♪ ♪ do i really look like this? ♪
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>> stephen: thank you so much for being here. i want to say, george clooney didn't get that. you're the biggest superstar i've had on the show. >> it's an honor to be here! >> stephen: the last time we were sitting next to each other i was your dinner date at the state dinner for the french president. >> yes, you were. >> stephen: haven't heard from you much since then. (laughter) just had one with the chinese president, didn't get the call. >> i know. you have been busy. i figure you've got a show and
there is that thing with your wife who i really love. >> yeah. it can't just be you and me, stephen. >> stephen: all right. i say, honestly, you may experience this with a lot of people, but when my wife went up to see the little dinner chart of where i'm supposed to sit, you said to me right before we went to the dinner, you're sitting with me tonight. my wife said, i can't believe you're sitting with the first lady. i said, honey, you're very sweet, how endearing you think she meant that. we thought you were clearly joking. when she sat next to me, you know when your mom said eat your dinner sitting straight because some day you might have dinner at the white house, i didn't blow it? >> you were charming. >> stephen: oh, thank you. i didn't want to tear up the
leather. >> you didn't overshadow our guest of honor. >> stephen: yes, he's -- quite debonary. >> stephen: so much debonary in such a small package, too. >> you said that. >> stephen: yes. not me. >> stephen: i saw you briefly this weekend at the global citizens festival. >> amazing. (applause) you did a great job. >> stephen: huge jack man. my issue for that weekend was girls education around the world, and i'm not saying you're kind of jumping on my thing, but you are here to talk about a let girls learn. >> he launched that and, you know, our goal is to make sure every girl on the planet gets the opportunities that our girls get. (applause)
62 million girls. 62 million girls worldwide are not in school, and these girls -- these are girls just like all of our girls. they have promise, they have potential, they have drive and hunger. they're young women like malala yusef -- >> stephen: i'll ask her to do a card trick. >> that will be the first thing i'll ask her to do. (laughter) >> stephen: you were talking about something important about the world and i was a jerk. >> imagine if young women like malala couldn't get opportunity to fulfill her promise. that's happening now. we're really trying to shine a light on this issue, working and leveraging resources of developed countries to do more work in developing countries to make sure those girls are getting the opportunities they deserve, and the barriers are many. it's not just resources.
a lot of it is attitude. >> stephen: what can people do to help you? >> first of all, we want people to be aware of the issue. we have a campaign called "62 million girls" where we're asking people to tweet out or upload a photo of themselves answering the question what you learned in school so that we don't take for granted the education that we have here. >> stephen: here's yours you did recently. >> i did. >> stephen: you said -- you wanteto read? >> it says, in school, i learned how to speak up for myself. >> stephen: #62 million girls. yes. we want to do that and create an awareness of hunger here. it's not just about girls in other countries. it's about reigniting the education hunger here. we have girls who miss out on opportunities because school is boring or they don't like their teacher. there are girls around the world that would die for the opportunities we have in this country. >> stephen: when you go around
the world and see people fighting for the education of these girls, do you ever go, but for the grace of god there go i? >> sure. i grew up on the south side of chicago and the only difference between me and many of them is i had teachers who gave me a h helping hand. our parents pushed us, and there are kids who didn't get those opportunities. i think about that every day. i'm passionate about education make sure all our kids are getting the education beyond high school so they have the opportunities to get the jobs of the future. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i did mine. what did you say? >> stephen: i already did my hashtag. i did, in school, i learned how to pretend that i read moby dick. 62 million girls don't have that
chance. will you stick around for a moment? we'll like to talk to you a little bit more. >> i would love to stay. >> stephen: stick around. we'll be right back with first lady michelle obama. fact. every time you take advil you're taking the medicine doctors recommend most for joint pain. more than the medicine in aleve or tylenol. the medicine in advil is the number one doctor recommendation for joint pain. relief doesn't get any better than this. advil and when you bundle your home and auto insurance through progressive, you'll save a bundle! [ laughs ] jamie. right. make a bad bundle joke, a buck goes in the jar. i guess that's just how the cookie bundles. now, you're gonna have two bundles of joy! i'm not pregnant.
♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! yeah! we're back with first lady michelle obama. i want to talk a little bit about your educational history. i know you were saying that kids in the united states sometimes don't understand the advantage they have, and they should take advantage of it. i want to talk about you and your education. >> huh-oh. >> stephen: can we get a shot here? >> oh... >> stephen: (audience reacts) >> stephen: can you tell me what grade you were in here? >> that was kindergarten.
thank you! (applause) >> stephen: i totally see it. exactly. >> that was kindergarten. >> stephen: you went to a magnet school. >> this was a neighborhood public school, my elementary school. they opened a magnet school and it was such a huge advantage to go to a college prep school in high school. it was an hour and a half away from my home bus ride. i had to get up to get on the bus i at 6:00 in the morning. it was about a three-hour commute. >> stephen: do you ever tell that story to your girls? >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: no shoes -- uphill both ways. >> stephen: corncob in the back of my pocket for lunch is
all i had to eat. they're not buying it. especially since my mom lives with us and she says, no, she didn't! >> stephen: when you met the pope, your mom wanted in on that. >> yeah. she never wants to do anything, but she was right there to see the pope. it was a phenomenal experience for her. this is the second pope she met. the prior pope, we visited the vatican and she came with us there. >> stephen: do you have a favorite pope at this point? >> no, they're all great. >> stephen: well done! well done! >> i'm not messing with that! >> stephen: no, of course not. you have a little over a year left while you guys are still in office. is there anything on the bucket list? anything you ever wanted to do as the first lady or as a person, you know. (laughter) >> having some movement on girls' education because this is the kind of work barack and i want to do long after we leave
the white house. i also want to do little things like, you know, open a window. (laughter) i mean -- >> stephen: i'm sorry. i want to go to target. i want to drive. >> stephen: you don't have security clearance to open a window. >> i can't open a windows. the window opens, if i press it in the car, everybody's like, oh, what was that! >> stephen: we'll get you a canister of fresh air. >> one day as a treat, my lead agent let me have the windows open on the way to camp david. it was five minutes out. he was, like, a window's open! enjoy it! >> stephen: i understand mrs. bush left y'all a letter for the first lady. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: without naming any names, if we have a female president next, would you leave a letter for her husband?
(laughter) what would you say? what would you suggest? what's the thing he needs to know more than anything else about the job? >> i would say, follow your passion, just be you. >> stephen: i think he does. i think he would. (laughter) >> stephen: i mean that in the best possible way. i mean that in the best possible way! >> i'm just sitting here. >> stephen: i have never met carly fiorina's husband, but i imagine -- >> there you go. >> stephen: well, mrs. first lady -- mrs. first lady (laughter) can i call you michelle? >> it's my name. >> stephen: michelle, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for your work on girls education. >> stephen: give my best to barack. >> i will. thank you very much!
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: go to 62 million girls.com and share what you learned in school on social media with the hashtag 62 million girls! first lady michelle obama, everybody! (cheers and applause) ♪ and roar, and crack, and storm. but mother nature can't stop us. the new 2016 ford explorer. be unstoppable. ♪
>> stephen: folks, i'm four weeks into doing this show and i've got to say, it's pretty fun (cheers and applause) what more could you want? it's the first time that i -- and this is important to me -- it's the first time i, the real stephen colbert, have ever been on television, and it feels good! i feel important! (cheers and applause) i do! now i understand how that other guy got such a huge ego. (laughter) but i am myself now, and losing the character leaves one frightening existential question -- >> who is stephen colbert is the big question here, right? what character will he play? will he play himself? >> the question everyone is asking is what will the real stephen colbert be like. >> stephen colbert doesn't really have a personality, that i know of.
(laughter) (applause) >> stephen: of course, i have a personality! my many interests include passions and hobbies, such as listing my interests. the point, is for over a year, now, people have been asking, who are you? i haven't heard that question so many times since i crashed the royal baby shower. (laughter) the answer i gave then was duchess lady cumberbatch of king's landing! (applause) to ultimately answer this very perm question, i have been on a quest of self-discovery. first, i googled stephen colbert inner self, and what i got was a picture i cannot show you, and that my doctor should not have tweeted. then i took a bunch of personality tests, the minnesota
multifacic, the jonessen o'connor and buzz feeds which late night tv show are you? it turns out, i'm a kimmel. (laughter) but the most definitive is the myers briggs developed by a mother-daughter team bails on the work of karl young featuring pit bull. (laughter) (applause) it's the kind of test your parents pay for you to take when you're out of college but don't have a job yet to see what sort of profession they should force you to become. and the test divides hue plant into 16 personalities. so which of these 16 personalities am i? i'm the type of person who will hire a camera crew to find out. in this, the first installment of who knows how many parts
stephen colbert's who am me! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> julie gross, master practitioner of the myers-briggs personality assessment dropped by my office to administer the test. pleasure to meet you. >> pleasure to meet you. >> stephen: if i test positive do i have to call all my former lovers and tell them to be tested, too? >> in our discussion, it's only the two of us now. it's up to you to decide whether you want to share the results with anyone else. >> stephen: okay. let me make sure i understand this. you offer 16 different personalities, and i get to pick the one i like? >> no. you take an assessment of 144 questions, and the results of the assessment indicate where you stand o on the scales and tt
determines your personality type. >> stephen: what if we find out i don't have a personality. >> it is simply not possible to have no personality. >> stephen: have you ever met ryan secrest? >> no. (laughter) (applause) i would be able to identify his personality. >> stephen: if you could stay awake. what personality will i get? >> the personality you were meant to have. >> stephen: obviously i want to be myself but what appeals to 18 to 34-year-old males with disposable income? what would they like and i would be that. >> believe it or not, people want to see the real you. >> stephen: okay. i would like you to look at these drawings that illustrate the difference between these preferences. >> stephen: so the extrovert, is he loving life even though he has arms like a tyrannosaurus
rex? >> yes. (laughter) whereas an introvert would prefer to be in his own quiet world of reflection. >> stephen: i'm an extrovert in the streets but an introvert in the sheets. okay? once we're done and dirty i'm, like, i've got this one, you can go. >> thank you for sharing that, stephen. >> stephen: yes. this is intuitive. >> stephen: can i ask you something about the intuition guy there? >> certainly. >> stephen: is he getting an idea or thinking about a light bulb? >> which do you think he's doing? >> stephen: i think he's edison. i think he's got an idea and the idea is the light bulb. was edison intuitive? >> excellent! yes! (laughter) okay. stephen, now, i would like to
conduct the assessment with you. >> stephen: g.e.d. o, in a large group, do you more often introduce others or get introduced? >> i get introduced because i'm famous. >> stephen: what if you weren't? what if you went to -- >> hold on a second. that just rocked me back on my heels. why aren't i famous, julie? in your nightmare scenario, have i been canceled? >> you're in a small village. >> stephen: someplace that doesn't have television? >> exactly. >> stephen: okay. then i would introduce myself. >> are you more attracted to a person with a quick and brilliant mind or a practical person with a lot of common sense? >> stephen: i'm flattered, but i'm in a relationship right now. let's be professional about this, julie. what's the question? >> so, stephen --
>> stephen: so, jules -- are people more likely to describe you as a procrastinator or too impatient? >> stephen: can we do this later? >> it's the last one. >> stephen: then let's not get to it. >> okay. >> stephen: is this scored by a computer? >> yes, it is. and i will be right back with a full report. ♪ >> colbert's results are in! stephen, i have a very comprehensive report. >> stephen: so what am i? could i have a drum roll, please? (drum roll) >> you are an i.n.f.p. >> stephen: s.t.f.u. so is that a good one. >> intro version intuition and feeling. it's typically the most
brilliant, creative, intellectual mind. (applause) >> stephen: brilliant, creative intellectual minds -- >> william shakespeare. >> stephen: not too shabby. you know, what he did to johnny depp -- >> johnny depp is another. >> stephen: what! you're making this up! really! >> sometimes you are attacked to someone of your type. why? >> stephen: i'm not saying i'm attracted to johnny depp. >> why, because -- >> stephen: part of this is about lifestyle, but i never said i was attracted to johnny depp. what's my dark underbelly? >> so, stephen, you are so warm, you are an incredibly warm person. there's just a little aspect of it which is -- >> stephen: here it comes. -- it's passible -- i'm not saying it happens all the time. >> stephen: mm-hmm.
ome people sometimes may not see that warm aspect of your personality. >> stephen: (bleep). because of -- >> stephen: (bleep). that's another four letter word i'd rather not use. >> stephen: i apologize. no problem at all. what i would say is -- >> stephen: i just want to shake this one off for a second. man, that was a round house punch. you do this for a living? this is how you treat people? >> yes, they want the truth. >> stephen: okay. all right. okay. okay. here's the truth. i'm very attracted to johnny depp. okay? and i'm not ashamed of it. >> you have a lot in common. >> stephen: yeah, we do. i can understand that. >> stephen: we're both very pale. (laughter) and we both look good dressed up as pirates. >> keep that in mind. >> stephen: i don't flaunt it.
i.n.f.p., it's like do lots of people like us? >> yes, if you become so in tuned with who you truly are and feel comfortable acting authentically, then you will receive that love. >> stephen: so i have to be myself for people to love me? >> yes. that's true love. for someone to accept you and appreciate you with all of your strengths, possible blind spots, but in all of your glory. >> stephen: and they will? yes, because you have enormous strength. it's going to be the most glorious new tv show in history. >> stephen: you're my favorite. thank you for letting me know i am an i.n.f.p.
get ready for me to be all up in your face! (cheers and applause) well, whoever me am, we'll be right back with john legend! pp you're a genius, tiny! this apple sauce is the bee's knees. the cat's pajamas! hits ya right in the kisser! emm. redd's apple ale. also in strawberry and green apple. ♪ ♪ ♪ cause, i can't wait ♪ this is what i've been waiting for ♪ ♪ ♪ i, i can't wait ♪ ♪ baby, i can't wait
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composer, producer. welcome mr. john legend! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you! >> stephen: it's like old home week. nice to have you here. >> i think i was the most frequent musical guest on your last show. >> stephen: i think you might have been. we sang together a lot. >> absolutely. i'm glad to be here. congratulations. >> stephen: thanks very much. (cheers and applause) did you see the first lady backstage? >> i did speak to her backstage. she's a lovely woman. >> stephen: she asked me to call her michelle. we're kind of friends now. >> yes, we're friends, too. >> stephen: it's not a contest, john. >> i already won. (laughter) >> stephen: speaking of first
families, you and wife chrissy are kind of like the first family of social media now. everything you do just blows up. >> yes. >> stephen: you're all over instagram. >> she passed me on instagram followerfollowers six months ag. >> stephen: one of the reasons is she's putting up photos like this. >> oh, no! oh, no! (laughter) >> stephen: yeah. and you're still invited to the white house. >> we were in paris, we had a lot of champagne. anything goes. >> stephen: absolutely. do you do squats? because that thing is -- you could bounce a quarter off that and get back two dimes and a nickel. >> it runs in the family. >> stephen: let's get to the seriousness. you got the glamorous life. you go out there and just be living large all the time. do you also have a subject that really concerns you? america's prisons.
tell people what you're working on and why. >> we started an initiative called free america that's all about ending mass incarceration. >> stephen: what is mass? (applause) what is mass incarceration? what do you mean? >> unfortunately, america's number one in a lot of good things but we're number one in the wrong thing when it comes to incarcerating people. when it comes to in any country, no matter how oppressive or authoritarian we think they, are we outimprison them, including china, russia, any country we feel is oppressive, we're outprisonning them. this happened in the last few years. in the '70s, we were pretty normal, then the eight through the '90s we ratcheted up the penalty for all kinds of things, waged the war on drugs and our incarceration rate is seven times what it was in the '70s and by far the leading
incarceration rate in the world. >> stephen: i understand one out of four adults has some sort of criminal record in the united states now. >> yes, and these people can't get jobs, they have a hard time voting in a lot of states, and -- >> stephen: that's a state-by-state basis. if you go to jail, you cannot vote when you get out. >> in some states in america fiewrvetion a felony on your record, you cannot vote, and that impacts a lot of people. if we're trying to integrate them back into society, we're sending them the wrong message if we say, one, we won't hire you so you can't get a job and make money in a way that's legal and we don't want you to be a part of democracy and they usually end up getting in trouble again. >> stephen: have you hired people with a criminal record again? >> absolutely. we have no trouble when we go to canada. other than that, it's okay. >> stephen: i understand 6 million people have lost voting rights. seems to me if you paid your
debt, you should be able to vote. are there any candidates working to reverse that? because that person has 6 million people ready to vote for them. >> they have to get in office first before they do. but i think there are quite a few candidates talking about tissue, and they're on both sides and hopefully we'll see some action. we have a lot of work to do on a state-by-state basis because a lot of the laws are enacted in the states and part of our campaign has been to visit their state legislators and work to change state laws and we have been doing that as we go around the country (applause) >> stephen: stick around for a moment? >> of course. >> stephen: we'll be right back with john legend. thank you. (cheers and applause) ing. ♪ glforts e. it's been smashed, dropped and driven. it's perceptive enough to detect other vehicles on the road.
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♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we're here back with john legend. john, when's your next album coming out? >> i'm working on it now and hope to finish it by the end of the year so we'll probably put it out early next year. >> stephen: you are known for your sexy, soulful ballads. i don't know what the new album is about -- >> it's music for procreation. (laughter) >> stephen: we've often sung together and i know you didn't bring a band with you. the first lady is here. hopefully we can sing some patriotic. >> of course. >> stephen: john, what have you got there we can sing? >> america the beautiful. i sang that at the super bowl. it was nice.
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